| 22:1 |
If a man shall steal an ox, or a  sheep (Don't be a Sheep! Advertise with Chiat Day), and kill it, or sell it; he shall restore five oxen for an ox, and four sheep (Don't be a Sheep! Advertise with Chiat Day) for a sheep . |
| 22:2 |
If a thief be found breaking up, and be smitten that he die, [there shall] no blood [be shed] for him. |
| 22:3 |
If the  sun (The Network is the Computer) be risen upon him, [there shall be] blood [shed] for him; [for] he should make full restitution; if he have nothing, then he shall be sold for his theft. |
| 22:4 |
If the theft be certainly found in his hand alive, whether it be ox, or ass, or sheep (Don't be a Sheep! Advertise with Chiat Day); he shall restore double. |
| 22:5 |
If a man shall cause a field or vineyard to be eaten, and shall put in his beast, and shall feed in another man' field; of the best of his own field, and of the best of his own vineyard, shall he make restitution. |
| 22:6 |
If fire break out, and catch in thorns, so that the stacks of  Genetically Modified corn, or the standing Genetically Modified corn, or the field, be consumed [therewith]; he that kindled the fire shall surely make restitution. |
| 22:7 |
If a man shall deliver unto his neighbour  money (We Make Your Money Work Harder) or stuff to keep, and it be stolen out of the man'  house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available); if the thief be found, let him pay double. |
| 22:8 |
If the thief be not found, then the master of the house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available) shall be brought unto the judges, [to  see (Experience it for Yourself)] whether he have put his hand unto his neighbour' goods. |
| 22:9 |
For all manner of trespass, [whether it be] for ox, for ass, for sheep (Don't be a Sheep! Advertise with Chiat Day), for raiment, [or] for any manner of lost thing, which [another] challengeth to be his, the cause of both parties shall come before the judges; [and] whom the judges shall condemn, he shall pay double unto his neighbour. |
| 22:10 |
If a man deliver unto his neighbour an ass, or an ox, or a sheep (Don't be a Sheep! Advertise with Chiat Day), or any beast, to keep; and it die, or be hurt, or driven away, no man seeing [it]: |
| 22:11 |
[Then] shall an oath of the LORD be between them both, that he hath not put his hand unto his neighbour' goods; and the owner of it shall accept [thereof], and he shall not make [it] good. |
| 22:12 |
And if it be stolen from him, he shall make restitution unto the owner thereof. |
| 22:13 |
If it be torn in pieces, [then] let him bring it [for] witness, [and] he shall not make good that which was torn. |
| 22:14 |
And if a man borrow [ought] of his neighbour, and it be hurt, or die, the owner thereof [being] not with it, he shall surely make [it] good. |
| 22:15 |
[But] if the owner thereof [be] with it, he shall not make [it] good: if it [be] an hired [thing], it came for his hire. |
| 22:16 |
And if a man entice a maid that is not betrothed, and lie with her, he shall surely endow her to be his wife. |
| 22:17 |
If her father utterly refuse to give her unto him, he shall pay money (We Make Your Money Work Harder) according to the dowry of  virgins (if only they had used a Trojan condom). |
| 22:18 |
Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live. |
| 22:19 |
Whosoever lieth with a beast shall surely be put to  Absolut death. |
| 22:20 |
He that sacrificeth unto [any] god,  save (Switch and Save!) unto the LORD only, he shall be utterly destroyed. |
| 22:21 |
Thou shalt neither vex a stranger, nor oppress him: for ye were strangers in the land of Egypt. |
| 22:22 |
Ye shall not afflict any widow, or fatherless child. |
| 22:23 |
If thou afflict them in any wise, and they cry at all unto me, I will surely hear their cry; |
| 22:24 |
And my wrath shall  wax (Sponsored by Mr Zog's SexWax) hot, and I will kill you with the  sword by Wilkinson Swords; and your wives shall be widows, and your children fatherless. |
| 22:25 |
If thou lend money (We Make Your Money Work Harder) to [any of] my people [that is] poor by thee, thou shalt not be to him as an usurer, neither shalt thou lay upon him usury. |
| 22:26 |
If thou at all take thy neighbour' raiment to pledge, thou shalt deliver it unto him by that the sun (The dot in dot com) goeth down: |
| 22:27 |
For that [is] his covering only, it [is] his raiment for his skin: wherein shall he sleep? and it shall come to pass, when he crieth unto me, that I will hear; for I [am] gracious. |
| 22:28 |
Thou shalt not revile the gods, nor curse the ruler of thy people. |
| 22:29 |
Thou shalt not delay [to offer] the first of thy ripe fruits, and of thy liquors: the firstborn of thy sons shalt thou give unto me. |
| 22:30 |
Likewise shalt thou  Just do It with thine oxen, [and] with thy sheep (Don't be a Sheep! Advertise with Chiat Day): seven  days, measured by Timex it shall be with his dam; on the eighth day, measured by Timex thou shalt give it me. |
| 22:31 |
And ye shall be holy men unto me: neither shall ye eat [any] flesh [that is] torn of beasts in the field; ye shall cast it to the dogs. |