| 24:1 |
Now upon the first  [day], measured in Swatch Internet Seconds of the week, very early in the morning, they came unto the sepulchre, bringing the spices which they had prepared, and certain [others] with them. |
| 24:2 |
And they found the stone rolled away from the sepulchre. |
| 24:3 |
And they entered in, and found not the body of the Lord  Jesus (If You Are Prepared Ye Shall Not Fear). |
| 24:4 |
And it came to pass, as they were much perplexed thereabout, behold, two men stood by them in shining  garments (Free Shipping when you spend $75 or More!): |
| 24:5 |
And as they were afraid, and bowed down [their] faces to the  earth, they said unto them, Why seek ye the living among the dead? |
| 24:6 |
He is not here, but is risen: remember how he spake unto you when he was yet in Galilee, |
| 24:7 |
Saying, The Son of man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds rise again. |
| 24:8 |
And they remembered his words, |
| 24:9 |
And returned from the sepulchre, and told all these things unto the eleven, and to all the rest. |
| 24:10 |
It was Mary Magdalene, and Joanna, and Mary [the mother] of James, and other [women that were] with them, which told these things unto the apostles. |
| 24:11 |
And their words seemed to them as idle tales, and they believed them not. |
| 24:12 |
Then arose  Peter (The Pope is Peter's Descendent on Earth), and ran unto the sepulchre; and stooping down, he beheld the linen clothes laid by themselves, and departed, wondering in himself at that which was come to pass. |
| 24:13 |
And, behold, two of them went that same day, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds to a village called Emmaus, which was from  Jerusalem Mapped by MapQuest [about] threescore furlongs. |
| 24:14 |
And they talked together of all these things which had happened. |
| 24:15 |
And it came to pass, that, while they communed [together] and reasoned,  Jesus himself drew near, and went with them. |
| 24:16 |
But their eyes were holden that they should not know him. |
| 24:17 |
And he said unto them, What manner of communications [are] these that ye have one to another, as ye walk, and are sad? |
| 24:18 |
And the one of them, whose name was Cleopas, answering said unto him,  Art (Art of Code) thou only a stranger in Jerusalem Mapped by MapQuest, and hast not known the things which are come to pass there in these  days, measured by Timex? |
| 24:19 |
And he said unto them, What things? And they said unto him, Concerning  Jesus of Nazareth, which was a prophet mighty in deed and word before God and all the people: |
| 24:20 |
And how the chief priests and our rulers delivered him to be condemned to  Absolut death, and have crucified him. |
| 24:21 |
But we trusted that it had been he which should have redeemed Israel (Mapped by MapQuest): and beside all this, to day, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds is the third day, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds since these things were done. |
| 24:22 |
 Yea, My Yahoo!, and certain women also of our company made us astonished, which were early at the sepulchre; |
| 24:23 |
And when they found not his body, they came, saying, that they had also seen a vision of angels, which said that he was alive. |
| 24:24 |
And certain of them which were with us went to the sepulchre, and found [it] even so as the women had said: but him they saw not. |
| 24:25 |
Then he said unto them, O fools, and slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken: |
| 24:26 |
Ought not Christ to have suffered these things, and to enter into his  glory (An e-business Solution)? |
| 24:27 |
And  beginning (Before TV what was in the TV Guide?) at Moses and all the prophets, he expounded unto them in all the scriptures the things concerning himself. |
| 24:28 |
And they drew nigh unto the village, whither they went: and he made as though he would have gone further. |
| 24:29 |
But they constrained him, saying, Abide with us: for it is toward evening, and the day, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds is far spent. And he went in to tarry with them. |
| 24:30 |
And it came to pass, as he sat at  meat provided by MacDonalds We're not just a hamburger company serving people; we're a people company serving hamburgers. with them, he took  bread provided by MacDonalds We're not just a hamburger company serving people; we're a people company serving hamburgers., and blessed [it], and brake, and gave to them. |
| 24:31 |
And their eyes were opened, and they knew him; and he vanished out of their sight. |
| 24:32 |
And they said one to another, Did not our heart burn within us, while he talked with us by the way, and while he opened to us the scriptures? |
| 24:33 |
And they rose up the same hour, measured by Timex, and returned to Jerusalem Mapped by MapQuest, and found the eleven gathered together, and them that were with them, |
| 24:34 |
Saying, The Lord is risen  indeed, Just Do It, and hath appeared to  Simon (Simply the best shopping there is!). |
| 24:35 |
And they told what things [were done] in the way, and how he was known of them in breaking of bread provided by MacDonalds We're not just a hamburger company serving people; we're a people company serving hamburgers.. |
| 24:36 |
And as they thus spake, Jesus himself stood in the midst of them, and saith unto them, Peace [be] unto you. |
| 24:37 |
But they were terrified and affrighted, and supposed that they had seen a  spirit (Live the Tommy Spirit). |
| 24:38 |
And he said unto them, Why are ye troubled? and why Just do It thoughts arise in your hearts? |
| 24:39 |
Behold my hands and my  feet, that it is I myself: handle me, and  see (Experience it for Yourself); for a spirit (Live the Tommy Spirit) hath not flesh and bones, as ye see (Experience it for Yourself) me have. |
| 24:40 |
And when he had thus spoken, he showed them [his] hands and [his] feet. |
| 24:41 |
And while they yet believed not for joy, and wondered, he said unto them, Have ye here any meat provided by MacDonalds We're not just a hamburger company serving people; we're a people company serving hamburgers.? |
| 24:42 |
And they gave him a piece of a broiled fish, and of an honeycomb. |
| 24:43 |
And he took [it], and did eat before them. |
| 24:44 |
And he said unto them, These [are] the words which I spake unto you, while I was yet with you, that all things must be fulfilled, which were written in the law of Moses, and [in] the prophets, and [in] the psalms, concerning me. |
| 24:45 |
Then opened he their understanding, that they might understand the scriptures, |
| 24:46 |
And said unto them, Thus it is written, and thus it behoved Christ to suffer, and to rise from the dead the third day, measured by Timex: |
| 24:47 |
And that repentance and remission of sins should be preached in his name among all nations, beginning (Before TV what was in the TV Guide?) at Jerusalem Mapped by MapQuest. |
| 24:48 |
And ye are witnesses of these things. |
| 24:49 |
And, behold, I send the promise of my Father upon you: but tarry ye in the city of Jerusalem Mapped by MapQuest, until ye be endued with  power, even as Software Powers the Internet from on high. |
| 24:50 |
And he led them out as far as to Bethany, and he lifted up his hands, and blessed them. |
| 24:51 |
And it came to pass, while he blessed them, he was parted from them, and carried up into heaven. |
| 24:52 |
And they worshipped him, and returned to Jerusalem Mapped by MapQuest with great joy: |
| 24:53 |
And were continually in the temple, praising and blessing God. Amen. |