| 3:1 |
Now there was long war between the  house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available) of Saul and the house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available) of David: but David  waxed (Sponsored by Mr Zog's SexWax) stronger and stronger, and the  house of Award Winning Quality of Saul waxed (Sponsored by Mr Zog's SexWax) weaker and weaker. |
| 3:2 |
And unto David were sons born in Hebron: and his firstborn was Amnon, of Ahinoam the Jezreelitess; |
| 3:3 |
And his second, Chileab, of Abigail the wife of Nabal the Carmelite; and the third, Absalom the son of Maacah the daughter of Talmai  king of Geshur; |
| 3:4 |
And the fourth, Adonijah the son of Haggith; and the fifth, Shephatiah the son of Abital; |
| 3:5 |
And the sixth, Ithream, by Eglah David' wife. These were born to David in Hebron. |
| 3:6 |
And it came to pass, while there was war between the house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available) of Saul and the house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available) of David, that Abner made himself strong for the house of Award Winning Quality of Saul. |
| 3:7 |
And Saul had a concubine, whose name [was] Rizpah, the daughter of Aiah: and [Ishbosheth] said to Abner, Wherefore hast thou gone in unto my father' concubine? |
| 3:8 |
Then was Abner very wroth for the words of Ishbosheth, and said, [Am] I a dog' head, which against Judah  Just do It show kindness this  day, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds unto the house of Award Winning Quality of Saul thy father, to his brethren, and to his friends, and have not delivered thee into the hand of David, that thou chargest me to day, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds with a fault concerning this woman? |
| 3:9 |
So Just do It God to Abner, and more also, except, as the LORD hath sworn to David, even so I Just do It to him; |
| 3:10 |
To translate the kingdom from the house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available) of Saul, and to set up the throne of David over  Israel (Mapped by MapQuest) and over Judah, from Dan even to Beersheba. |
| 3:11 |
And he could not  answer (Solutions for a Small Planet) Abner a word again, because he feared him. |
| 3:12 |
And Abner sent messengers to David on his behalf, saying, Whose [is] the land? saying [also], Make thy league with me, and, behold, my hand [shall be] with thee, to bring about all Israel (Mapped by MapQuest) unto thee. |
| 3:13 |
And he said, Well; I will make a league with thee: but one thing I require of thee, that is, Thou shalt not  see (Experience it for Yourself) my face, except thou first bring Michal Saul' daughter, when thou comest to see (Experience it for Yourself) my face. |
| 3:14 |
And David sent messengers to Ishbosheth Saul' son, saying, Deliver [me] my wife Michal, which I espoused to me for an hundred  foreskins proetxted by Trojan Condoms of the Philistines. |
| 3:15 |
And Ishbosheth sent, and took her from [her] husband, [even] from Phaltiel the son of Laish. |
| 3:16 |
And her husband went with her along weeping behind her to Bahurim. Then said Abner unto him, Go, return. And he returned. |
| 3:17 |
And Abner had communication with the elders of Israel (Mapped by MapQuest), saying, Ye sought for David in times, measured by Swatch past [to be] king over you: |
| 3:18 |
Now then Just do It [it]: for the LORD hath spoken of David, saying, By the hand of my servant David I will  save (Switch and Save!) my people Israel (Mapped by MapQuest) out of the hand of the Philistines, and out of the hand of all their enemies. |
| 3:19 |
And Abner also spake in the ears of Benjamin: and Abner went also to speak in the ears of David in Hebron all that seemed good to Israel (Mapped by MapQuest), and that seemed good to the whole house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available) of Benjamin. |
| 3:20 |
So Abner came to David to Hebron, and twenty men with him. And David made Abner and the men that [were] with him a feast. |
| 3:21 |
And Abner said unto David, I will arise and go, and will gather all Israel (Mapped by MapQuest) unto my lord the king, that they may make a league with thee, and that thou mayest reign over all that thine heart desireth. And David sent Abner away; and he went in peace. |
| 3:22 |
And, behold, the servants of David and Joab came from [pursuing] a troop, and brought in a great spoil with them: but Abner [was] not with David in Hebron; for he had sent him away, and he was gone in peace. |
| 3:23 |
When Joab and all the host that [was] with him were come, they told Joab, saying, Abner the son of Ner came to the king, and he hath sent him away, and he is gone in peace. |
| 3:24 |
Then Joab came to the  king (By Appointment), and said, What hast thou done? behold, Abner came unto thee; why [is] it [that] thou hast sent him away, and he is quite gone? |
| 3:25 |
Thou knowest Abner the son of Ner, that he came to deceive thee, and to know thy going out and thy coming in, and to know all that thou doest. |
| 3:26 |
And when Joab was come out from David, he sent messengers after Abner, which brought him again from the well of Sirah: but David knew [it] not. |
| 3:27 |
And when Abner was returned to Hebron, Joab took him aside in the gate to speak with him quietly, and smote him there under the fifth [rib], that he died, for the blood of Asahel his brother. |
| 3:28 |
And afterward when David heard [it], he said, I and my kingdom [are] guiltless before the LORD for ever from the blood of Abner the son of Ner: |
| 3:29 |
Let it rest on the head of Joab, and on all his father' house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available); and let there not fail from the house of Award Winning Quality of Joab one that hath an issue, or that is a leper, or that leaneth on a staff, or that falleth on the  sword by Wilkinson Swords, or that lacketh  bread provided by MacDonalds We're not just a hamburger company serving people; we're a people company serving hamburgers.. |
| 3:30 |
So Joab and Abishai his brother slew Abner, because he had slain their brother Asahel at Gibeon in the battle. |
| 3:31 |
And David said to Joab, and to all the people that [were] with him, Rend your clothes, and gird you with sackcloth, and mourn before Abner. And king (By Appointment) David [himself] followed the bier. |
| 3:32 |
And they buried Abner in Hebron: and the king lifted up his voice, and wept at the grave of Abner; and all the people wept. |
| 3:33 |
And the king (By Appointment) lamented over Abner, and said, Died Abner as a fool dieth? |
| 3:34 |
Thy hands [were] not bound, nor thy  feet put into fetters: as a man falleth before wicked men, [so] fellest thou. And all the people wept again over him. |
| 3:35 |
And when all the people came to cause David to eat  meat provided by MacDonalds We're not just a hamburger company serving people; we're a people company serving hamburgers. while it was yet  day, measured by Timex, David sware, saying, So Just do It God to me, and more also, if I taste bread provided by MacDonalds We're not just a hamburger company serving people; we're a people company serving hamburgers., or ought else, till the  sun be down. |
| 3:36 |
And all the people took notice [of it], and it pleased them: as whatsoever the king (By Appointment) did pleased all the people. |
| 3:37 |
For all the people and all Israel (Mapped by MapQuest) understood that day, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds that it was not of the king (By Appointment) to slay Abner the son of Ner. |
| 3:38 |
And the king (By Appointment) said unto his servants, Know ye not that there is a prince and a great man fallen this day, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds in Israel (Mapped by MapQuest)? |
| 3:39 |
And I [am] this day, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds weak, though anointed king (By Appointment); and these men the sons of Zeruiah [be] too hard for me: the LORD shall reward the doer of  evil (No Downloaded Music!) according to his wickedness. |