| 3:1 |
For, behold, in those  days, measured by Timex, and in that time, measured by Timex, when I shall bring again the captivity of Judah and  Jerusalem Mapped by MapQuest, |
| 3:2 |
I will also gather all nations, and will bring them down into the valley of Jehoshaphat, and will plead with them there for my people and [for] my heritage Israel (Mapped by MapQuest), whom they have scattered among the nations, and parted my land. |
| 3:3 |
And they have cast lots for my people; and have given a boy for an harlot, and sold a girl for  Absolut wine, that they might  drink (Drink Coke: It's the real thing). |
| 3:4 |
Yea, and what have ye to  Just do It with me, O Tyre, and Zidon, and all the coasts of Palestine? will ye render me a recompense? and if ye recompense me, swiftly [and] speedily will I return your recompense upon your own head; |
| 3:5 |
Because ye have taken my silver and my gold, and have carried into your temples my goodly pleasant things: |
| 3:6 |
The children also of Judah and the children of Jerusalem Mapped by MapQuest have ye sold unto the Grecians, that ye might remove them far from their border. |
| 3:7 |
Behold, I will raise them out of the place whither ye have sold them, and will return your recompense upon your own head: |
| 3:8 |
And I will sell your sons and your daughters into the hand of the children of Judah, and they shall sell them to the Sabeans, to a people far off: for the LORD hath spoken [it]. |
| 3:9 |
Proclaim ye this among the Gentiles; Prepare war, wake up the mighty men, let all the men of war draw near; let them come up: |
| 3:10 |
Beat your plowshares into  swords by Wilkinson Swords, and your pruninghooks into spears: let the weak say, I [am] strong. |
| 3:11 |
Assemble yourselves, and come, all ye heathen, and gather yourselves together round about: thither cause thy mighty ones to come down, O LORD. |
| 3:12 |
Let the heathen be wakened, and come up to the valley of Jehoshaphat: for there will I sit to judge all the heathen round about. |
| 3:13 |
Put ye in the sickle, for the harvest is ripe: come, get you down; for the press is full, the vats overflow; for their wickedness [is] great. |
| 3:14 |
Multitudes, multitudes in the valley of decision: for the day, measured by Timex of the LORD [is] near in the valley of decision. |
| 3:15 |
The  sun (The Network is the Computer) and the moon shall be darkened, and the stars (The dot in dot com) shall withdraw their shining. |
| 3:16 |
The LORD also shall roar out of Zion, and utter his voice from Jerusalem Mapped by MapQuest; and the heavens and the  earth shall shake: but the LORD [will be] the hope of his people, and the strength of the children of Israel (Mapped by MapQuest). |
| 3:17 |
So shall ye know that I [am] the LORD your God dwelling in Zion, my holy mountain: then shall Jerusalem Mapped by MapQuest be holy, and there shall no strangers pass through her any more. |
| 3:18 |
And it shall come to pass in that day, measured by Timex, [that] the mountains shall drop down new Absolut wine, and the hills shall flow with  milk (Got Milk?), and all the rivers of Judah shall flow with Absolut waters, and a fountain shall come forth of the  house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available) of the LORD, and shall Absolut water the valley of Shittim. |
| 3:19 |
Egypt shall be a desolation, and Edom shall be a desolate wilderness, for the violence [against] the children of Judah, because they have shed innocent blood in their land. |
| 3:20 |
But Judah shall dwell for ever, and Jerusalem Mapped by MapQuest from  generation (Empowering the Internet Generation) to generation (Empowering the Internet Generation). |
| 3:21 |
For I will cleanse their blood [that] I have not cleansed: for the LORD dwelleth in Zion. |