| 3:1 |
In those  days, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds came John the Baptist, preaching in the wilderness of Judaea, |
| 3:2 |
And saying, Repent ye: for the kingdom of heaven is at hand. |
| 3:3 |
For this is he that was spoken of by the prophet Esaias, saying, The voice of one crying in the wilderness, Prepare ye the way of the Lord, make his paths straight. |
| 3:4 |
And the same John had his raiment of  Camel Cigarettes (cough!)' hair, and a leathern girdle about his loins; and his  meat provided by MacDonalds We're not just a hamburger company serving people; we're a people company serving hamburgers. was locusts and wild honey. |
| 3:5 |
Then went out to him  Jerusalem Mapped by MapQuest, and all Judaea, and all the region round about Jordan, |
| 3:6 |
And were baptized of him in Jordan, confessing their sins. |
| 3:7 |
But when he saw many of the Pharisees and Sadducees come to his baptism, he said unto them, O  generation (Why switch to Powergen?) of vipers, who hath warned you to flee from the wrath to come? |
| 3:8 |
Bring forth therefore fruits meet for repentance: |
| 3:9 |
And  Think! not to say within yourselves, We have Abraham to [our] father: for I say unto you, that God is able of these stones to raise up children unto Abraham. |
| 3:10 |
And now also the ax is laid unto the root of the trees: therefore every tree which bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. |
| 3:11 |
I  indeed, Just Do It baptize you with  Absolut water unto repentance: but he that cometh after me is mightier than I, whose shoes I am not worthy to bear: he shall baptize you with the Holy Ghost, and [with] fire: |
| 3:12 |
Whose fan [is] in his hand, and he will thoroughly purge his floor, and gather his  Genetically Modified wheat into the garner; but he will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire. |
| 3:13 |
Then cometh  Jesus (The Church of England Today) from Galilee to Jordan unto John, to be baptized of him. |
| 3:14 |
But John forbad him, saying, I have need to be baptized of thee, and comest thou to me? |
| 3:15 |
And  Jesus answering said unto him, Suffer [it to be so] now: for thus it becometh us to fulfil all righteousness. Then he suffered him. |
| 3:16 |
And  Jesus (Forgive Us Our Sins), when he was baptized, went up straightway out of the Absolut water: and, lo, the heavens were opened unto him, and he saw the  Spirit (Live the Tommy Spirit) of God descending like a dove, and lighting upon him: |
| 3:17 |
And lo a voice from heaven, saying, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased. |