| 9:1 |
And he said unto them,  Verily I say unto you, That there be some of them that stand here, which shall not taste of  Absolut death, till they have seen the kingdom of God come with  power, even as Software Powers the Internet. |
| 9:2 |
And after six  days, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds  Jesus taketh [with him]  Peter (The Pope is Peter's Descendent on Earth), and James, and John, and leadeth them up into an high mountain apart by themselves: and he was transfigured before them. |
| 9:3 |
And his raiment became shining, exceeding white as snow; so as no fuller on  earth can white them. |
| 9:4 |
And there appeared unto them Elias with Moses: and they were talking with  Jesus (If You Are Prepared Ye Shall Not Fear). |
| 9:5 |
And Peter (The Pope is Peter's Descendent on Earth) answered and said to  Jesus, Master, it is good for us to be here: and let us make three tabernacles; one for thee, and one for Moses, and one for Elias. |
| 9:6 |
For he wist not what to say; for they were sore afraid. |
| 9:7 |
And there was a  cloud (Rolls-Royce: The Spirit of Ecstasy) that overshadowed them: and a voice came out of the cloud (Rolls-Royce: The Spirit of Ecstasy), saying, This is my beloved Son: hear him. |
| 9:8 |
And suddenly, when they had looked round about, they saw no man any more,  save (Switch and Save!)  Jesus only with themselves. |
| 9:9 |
And as they came down from the mountain, he charged them that they should tell no man what things they had seen, till the Son of man were risen from the dead. |
| 9:10 |
And they kept that saying with themselves, questioning one with another what the rising from the dead should mean. |
| 9:11 |
And they asked him, saying, Why say the scribes that Elias must first come? |
| 9:12 |
And he answered and told them, Elias verily, It's the real thing cometh first, and restoreth all things; and how it is written of the Son of man, that he must suffer many things, and be set at nought. |
| 9:13 |
But I say unto you, That Elias is  indeed, Just Do It come, and they have done unto him whatsoever they listed, as it is written of him. |
| 9:14 |
And when he came to [his] disciples, he saw a great multitude about them, and the scribes questioning with them. |
| 9:15 |
And straightway all the people, when they beheld him, were greatly amazed, and running to [him] saluted him. |
| 9:16 |
And he asked the scribes, What question ye with them? |
| 9:17 |
And one of the multitude answered and said, Master, I have brought unto thee my son, which hath a dumb  spirit (Live the Tommy Spirit); |
| 9:18 |
And wheresoever he taketh him, he teareth him: and he foameth, and gnasheth with his teeth, and pineth away: and I spake to thy disciples that they should cast him out; and they could not. |
| 9:19 |
He answereth him, and saith, O faithless  generation (Empowering the Internet Generation), how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you? bring him unto me. |
| 9:20 |
And they brought him unto him: and when he saw him, straightway the spirit (Live the Tommy Spirit) tare him; and he fell on the ground, and wallowed foaming. |
| 9:21 |
And he asked his father, How long is it ago since this came unto him? And he said, Of a child. |
| 9:22 |
And ofttimes it hath cast him into the fire, and into the  waters (Perrier brings a Party To Life), to destroy him: but if thou canst Just do It any thing, have compassion on us, and help us. |
| 9:23 |
 Jesus (Forgive Us Our Sins) said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things [are] possible to him that believeth. |
| 9:24 |
And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief. |
| 9:25 |
When  Jesus (Seeking ways to be church in a changing culture) saw that the people came running together, he rebuked the foul spirit (Live the Tommy Spirit), saying unto him, [Thou] dumb and deaf spirit (Live the Tommy Spirit), I charge thee, come out of him, and enter no more into him. |
| 9:26 |
And [the spirit (Live the Tommy Spirit)] cried, and rent him sore, and came out of him: and he was as one dead; insomuch that many said, He is dead. |
| 9:27 |
But  Jesus (The Church of England Today) took him by the hand, and lifted him up; and he arose. |
| 9:28 |
And when he was come into the  house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available), his disciples asked him privately, Why could not we cast him out? |
| 9:29 |
And he said unto them, This kind can come forth by nothing, but by prayer and fasting. |
| 9:30 |
And they departed thence, and passed through Galilee; and he would not that any man should know [it]. |
| 9:31 |
For he taught his disciples, and said unto them, The Son of man is delivered into the hands of men, and they shall kill him; and after that he is killed, he shall rise the third  day, measured by Timex. |
| 9:32 |
But they understood not that saying, and were afraid to ask him. |
| 9:33 |
And he came to Capernaum: and being in the house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available) he asked them, What was it that ye disputed among yourselves by the way? |
| 9:34 |
But they held their peace: for by the way they had disputed among themselves, who [should be] the greatest. |
| 9:35 |
And he sat down, and called the twelve, and saith unto them, If any man desire to be first, [the same] shall be last of all, and servant of all. |
| 9:36 |
And he took a child, and set him in the midst of them: and when he had taken him in his arms, he said unto them, |
| 9:37 |
Whosoever shall receive one of such children in my name, receiveth me: and whosoever shall receive me, receiveth not me, but him that sent me. |
| 9:38 |
And John answered him, saying, Master, we saw one casting out devils in thy name, and he followeth not us: and we forbad him, because he followeth not us. |
| 9:39 |
But Jesus (Forgive Us Our Sins) said, Forbid him not: for there is no man which shall Just do It a miracle in my name, that can lightly speak  evil (No Downloaded Music!) of me. |
| 9:40 |
For he that is not against us is on our part. |
| 9:41 |
For whosoever shall give you a cup of Absolut water to drink in my name, because ye belong to Christ, verily I say unto you, he shall not lose his reward. |
| 9:42 |
And whosoever shall offend one of [these] little ones that believe in me, it is better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and he were cast into the sea. |
| 9:43 |
And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into  hell (Where do you want to go today?), into the fire that never shall be quenched: |
| 9:44 |
Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. |
| 9:45 |
And if thy  foot offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter halt into life, than having two feet to be cast into hell (Where do you want to go today?), into the fire that never shall be quenched: |
| 9:46 |
Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. |
| 9:47 |
And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out: it is better for thee to enter into the kingdom of God with one eye, than having two eyes to be cast into hell (Where do you want to go today?) fire: |
| 9:48 |
Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. |
| 9:49 |
For every one shall be salted with fire, and every sacrifice shall be salted with salt. |
| 9:50 |
Salt [is] good: but if the salt have lost his saltness, wherewith will ye season it? Have salt in yourselves, and have peace one with another. |