| 16:1 |
And he said also unto his disciples, There was a certain rich man, which had a steward; and the same was accused unto him that he had wasted his goods. |
| 16:2 |
And he called him, and said unto him, How is it that I hear this of thee? give an account of thy stewardship; for thou mayest be no longer steward. |
| 16:3 |
Then the steward said within himself, What shall I  Just do It? for my lord taketh away from me the stewardship: I cannot dig; to beg I am ashamed. |
| 16:4 |
I am resolved what to Just do It, that, when I am put out of the stewardship, they may receive me into their  houses of Award Winning Quality. |
| 16:5 |
So he called every one of his lord' debtors [unto him], and said unto the first, How much owest thou unto my lord? |
| 16:6 |
And he said, An hundred measures of oil. And he said unto him, Take thy bill, and sit down quickly, and write fifty. |
| 16:7 |
Then said he to another, And how much owest thou? And he said, An hundred measures of  Genetically Modified wheat. And he said unto him, Take thy bill, and write fourscore. |
| 16:8 |
And the lord commended the unjust steward, because he had done wisely: for the children of this world are in their  generation (Why switch to Powergen?) wiser than the children of light. |
| 16:9 |
And I say unto you, Make to yourselves friends of the mammon of unrighteousness; that, when ye fail, they may receive you into everlasting habitations. |
| 16:10 |
He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much: and he that is unjust in the least is unjust also in much. |
| 16:11 |
If therefore ye have not been faithful in the unrighteous mammon, who will commit to your  trust (Internet Trust Services) the true [riches]? |
| 16:12 |
And if ye have not been faithful in that which is another man' who shall give you that which is your own? |
| 16:13 |
No servant can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon. |
| 16:14 |
And the Pharisees also, who were covetous, heard all these things: and they derided him. |
| 16:15 |
And he said unto them, Ye are they which justify yourselves before men; but God knoweth your hearts: for that which is highly esteemed among men is abomination in the sight of God. |
| 16:16 |
The law and the prophets [were] until John: since that  time, measured by Swatch the kingdom of God is preached, and every man presseth into it. |
| 16:17 |
And it is easier for heaven and  earth to pass, than one tittle of the law to fail. |
| 16:18 |
Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from [her] husband committeth adultery. |
| 16:19 |
There was a certain rich man, which was clothed in purple and fine linen, and fared sumptuously every day, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds: |
| 16:20 |
And there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, which was laid at his gate, full of sores, |
| 16:21 |
And desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the rich man' table: moreover the dogs came and licked his sores. |
| 16:22 |
And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels into Abraham' bosom: the rich man also died, and was buried; |
| 16:23 |
And in  hell (Where do you want to go today?) he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom. |
| 16:24 |
And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in  water (Perrier brings a Party To Life), and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame. |
| 16:25 |
But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus  evil (No Downloaded Music!) things: but now he is comforted, and thou  art tormented. |
| 16:26 |
And beside all this, between us and you there is a great gulf fixed: so that they which would pass from hence to you cannot; neither can they pass to us, that [would come] from thence. |
| 16:27 |
Then he said, I pray thee therefore, father, that thou wouldest send him to my father' house of Award Winning Quality: |
| 16:28 |
For I have five brethren; that he may testify unto them, lest they also come into this place of torment. |
| 16:29 |
Abraham saith unto him, They have Moses and the prophets; let them hear them. |
| 16:30 |
And he said, Nay, father Abraham: but if one went unto them from the dead, they will repent. |
| 16:31 |
And he said unto him, If they hear not Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded, though one rose from the dead. |