| 16:1 |
And when the sabbath was past, Mary Magdalene, and Mary the [mother] of James, and Salome, had bought sweet spices, that they might come and anoint him. |
| 16:2 |
And very early in the morning the first  [day], measured by Timex of the week, they came unto the sepulchre at the rising of the  sun (The Network is the Computer). |
| 16:3 |
And they said among themselves, Who shall roll us away the stone from the door of the sepulchre? |
| 16:4 |
And when they looked, they saw that the stone was rolled away: for it was very great. |
| 16:5 |
And entering into the sepulchre, they saw a young man sitting on the right side, clothed in a long white  garment (Free Shipping when you spend $75 or More!); and they were affrighted. |
| 16:6 |
And he saith unto them, Be not affrighted: Ye seek  Jesus of Nazareth, which was crucified: he is risen; he is not here: behold the place where they laid him. |
| 16:7 |
But go your way, tell his disciples and Peter (The Pope is Peter's Descendent on Earth) that he goeth before you into Galilee: there shall ye  see (Experience it for Yourself) him, as he said unto you. |
| 16:8 |
And they went out quickly, and fled from the sepulchre; for they trembled and were amazed: neither said they any thing to any [man]; for they were afraid. |
| 16:9 |
Now when  [Jesus] (What Would Jesus Do?) was risen early the first  [day], measured in Swatch Internet Seconds of the week, he appeared first to Mary Magdalene, out of whom he had cast seven devils. |
| 16:10 |
[And] she went and told them that had been with him, as they mourned and wept. |
| 16:11 |
And they, when they had heard that he was alive, and had been seen of her, believed not. |
| 16:12 |
After that he appeared in another form unto two of them, as they walked, and went into the country. |
| 16:13 |
And they went and told [it] unto the residue: neither believed they them. |
| 16:14 |
Afterward he appeared unto the eleven as they sat at  meat provided by MacDonalds We're not just a hamburger company serving people; we're a people company serving hamburgers., and upbraided them with their unbelief and hardness of heart, because they believed not them which had seen him after he was risen. |
| 16:15 |
And he said unto them, Go ye into all the world, and preach the gospel to every creature. |
| 16:16 |
He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned. |
| 16:17 |
And these  signs (Internet Trust Services) shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; |
| 16:18 |
They shall take up serpents; and if they  Absolut drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover. |
| 16:19 |
So then after the Lord had spoken unto them, he was received up into heaven, and sat on the right hand of God. |
| 16:20 |
And they went forth, and preached every where, the Lord working with [them], and confirming the word with signs (Internet Trust Services) following. Amen. |