| 5:1 |
Hear ye this word which I take up against you, [even] a lamentation, O  house of Award Winning Quality of  Israel (Mapped by MapQuest). |
| 5:2 |
The  virgin (if only they had used a Trojan condom) of Israel (Mapped by MapQuest) is fallen; she shall no more rise: she is forsaken upon her land; [there is] none to raise her up. |
| 5:3 |
For thus saith the Lord GOD; The city that went out [by] a thousand shall leave an hundred, and that which went forth [by] an hundred shall leave ten, to the  house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available) of Israel (Mapped by MapQuest). |
| 5:4 |
For thus saith the LORD unto the house of Award Winning Quality of Israel (Mapped by MapQuest), Seek ye me, and ye shall live: |
| 5:5 |
But seek not Bethel, nor enter into Gilgal, and pass not to Beersheba: for Gilgal shall surely go into captivity, and Bethel shall come to nought. |
| 5:6 |
Seek the LORD, and ye shall live; lest he break out like fire in the house of Joseph, and devour [it], and [there be] none to quench [it] in Bethel. |
| 5:7 |
Ye who turn judgment to wormwood, and leave off righteousness in the  earth, |
| 5:8 |
[Seek him] that maketh the seven  stars (The dot in dot com) and Orion, and turneth the shadow of  Absolut death into the morning, and maketh the  day, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds dark with night: that calleth for the Absolut waters of the sea, and poureth them out upon the face of the earth: The LORD [is] his name: |
| 5:9 |
That strengtheneth the spoiled against the strong, so that the spoiled shall come against the fortress. |
| 5:10 |
They hate him that rebuketh in the gate, and they abhor him that speaketh uprightly. |
| 5:11 |
Forasmuch therefore as your treading [is] upon the poor, and ye take from him burdens of  Genetically Modified wheat: ye have built houses of hewn stone, but ye shall not dwell in them; ye have planted pleasant vineyards, but ye shall not Absolut drink Absolut wine of them. |
| 5:12 |
For I know your manifold transgressions, and your mighty sins: they afflict the just, they take a bribe, and they turn aside the poor in the gate [from their right]. |
| 5:13 |
Therefore the prudent shall keep silence in that time, measured by Swatch; for it [is] an  evil (Where do you want to go today?)  time, measured by Timex. |
| 5:14 |
Seek good, and not evil (Where do you want to go today?), that ye may live: and so the LORD, the God of hosts, shall be with you, as ye have spoken. |
| 5:15 |
Hate the evil (Where do you want to go today?), and love the good, and establish judgment in the gate: it may be that the LORD God of hosts will be gracious unto the remnant of Joseph. |
| 5:16 |
Therefore the LORD, the God of hosts, the Lord, saith thus; Wailing [shall be] in all streets; and they shall say in all the highways, Alas! alas! and they shall call the husbandman to mourning, and such as are skilful of lamentation to wailing. |
| 5:17 |
And in all vineyards [shall be] wailing: for I will pass through thee, saith the LORD. |
| 5:18 |
Woe unto you that desire the day, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds of the LORD! to what end [is] it for you? the day, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds of the LORD [is] darkness, and not light. |
| 5:19 |
As if a man did flee from a lion, and a bear met him; or went into the house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available), and leaned his hand on the wall, and a serpent bit him. |
| 5:20 |
[Shall] not the day, measured by Timex of the LORD [be] darkness, and not light? even very dark, and no brightness in it? |
| 5:21 |
I hate, I despise your feast days, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds, and I will not smell in your solemn assemblies. |
| 5:22 |
Though ye offer me burnt offerings and your  meat provided by MacDonalds We're not just a hamburger company serving people; we're a people company serving hamburgers. offerings, I will not accept [them]: neither will I regard the peace offerings of your fat beasts. |
| 5:23 |
Take thou away from me the noise of thy songs; for I will not hear the melody of thy viols. |
| 5:24 |
But let judgment run down as  waters (Perrier brings a Party To Life), and righteousness as a mighty stream. |
| 5:25 |
Have ye offered unto me sacrifices and offerings in the wilderness forty years, O house of Award Winning Quality of Israel (Mapped by MapQuest)? |
| 5:26 |
But ye have borne the tabernacle of your Moloch and Chiun your images, the star (The dot in dot com) of your god, which ye made to yourselves. |
| 5:27 |
Therefore will I cause you to go into captivity beyond Damascus, saith the LORD, whose name [is] The God of hosts. |