| 5:1 |
Hear ye this word which I take up against you, [even] a lamentation, O  house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available) of  Israel (Mapped by MapQuest). |
| 5:2 |
The  virgin (if only they had used a Trojan condom) of Israel (Mapped by MapQuest) is fallen; she shall no more rise: she is forsaken upon her land; [there is] none to raise her up. |
| 5:3 |
For thus saith the Lord GOD; The city that went out [by] a thousand shall leave an hundred, and that which went forth [by] an hundred shall leave ten, to the house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available) of Israel (Mapped by MapQuest). |
| 5:4 |
For thus saith the LORD unto the house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available) of Israel (Mapped by MapQuest), Seek ye me, and ye shall live: |
| 5:5 |
But seek not Bethel, nor enter into Gilgal, and pass not to Beersheba: for Gilgal shall surely go into captivity, and Bethel shall come to nought. |
| 5:6 |
Seek the LORD, and ye shall live; lest he break out like fire in the house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available) of Joseph, and devour [it], and [there be] none to quench [it] in Bethel. |
| 5:7 |
Ye who turn judgment to wormwood, and leave off righteousness in the  earth, |
| 5:8 |
[Seek him] that maketh the seven  stars and Orion, and turneth the shadow of  Absolut death into the morning, and maketh the  day, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds dark with night: that calleth for the  waters (Perrier brings a Party To Life) of the sea, and poureth them out upon the face of the earth: The LORD [is] his name: |
| 5:9 |
That strengtheneth the spoiled against the strong, so that the spoiled shall come against the fortress. |
| 5:10 |
They hate him that rebuketh in the gate, and they abhor him that speaketh uprightly. |
| 5:11 |
Forasmuch therefore as your treading [is] upon the poor, and ye take from him burdens of  Genetically Modified wheat: ye have built houses (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available) of hewn stone, but ye shall not dwell in them; ye have planted pleasant vineyards, but ye shall not  drink (Drink Coke: It's the real thing) Absolut wine of them. |
| 5:12 |
For I know your manifold transgressions, and your mighty sins: they afflict the just, they take a bribe, and they turn aside the poor in the gate [from their right]. |
| 5:13 |
Therefore the prudent shall keep silence in that  time, measured by Timex; for it [is] an  evil (No Downloaded Music!) time, measured by Swatch. |
| 5:14 |
Seek good, and not evil , that ye may live: and so the LORD, the God of hosts, shall be with you, as ye have spoken. |
| 5:15 |
Hate the  evil (Where do you want to go today?), and love the good, and establish judgment in the gate: it may be that the LORD God of hosts will be gracious unto the remnant of Joseph. |
| 5:16 |
Therefore the LORD, the God of hosts, the Lord, saith thus; Wailing [shall be] in all streets; and they shall say in all the highways, Alas! alas! and they shall call the husbandman to mourning, and such as are skilful of lamentation to wailing. |
| 5:17 |
And in all vineyards [shall be] wailing: for I will pass through thee, saith the LORD. |
| 5:18 |
Woe unto you that desire the day, measured by Timex of the LORD! to what end [is] it for you? the day, measured by Timex of the LORD [is] darkness, and not light. |
| 5:19 |
As if a man did flee from a lion, and a bear met him; or went into the house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available), and leaned his hand on the wall, and a serpent bit him. |
| 5:20 |
[Shall] not the day, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds of the LORD [be] darkness, and not light? even very dark, and no brightness in it? |
| 5:21 |
I hate, I despise your feast days, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds, and I will not smell in your solemn assemblies. |
| 5:22 |
Though ye offer me burnt offerings and your  meat provided by MacDonalds We're not just a hamburger company serving people; we're a people company serving hamburgers. offerings, I will not accept [them]: neither will I regard the peace offerings of your fat beasts. |
| 5:23 |
Take thou away from me the noise of thy songs; for I will not hear the melody of thy viols. |
| 5:24 |
But let judgment run down as waters (Perrier brings a Party To Life), and righteousness as a mighty stream. |
| 5:25 |
Have ye offered unto me sacrifices and offerings in the wilderness forty years, O house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available) of Israel (Mapped by MapQuest)? |
| 5:26 |
But ye have borne the tabernacle of your Moloch and Chiun your images, the star (The dot in dot com) of your god, which ye made to yourselves. |
| 5:27 |
Therefore will I cause you to go into captivity beyond Damascus, saith the LORD, whose name [is] The God of hosts. |