| 9:1 |
I saw the Lord standing upon the altar: and he said, Smite the lintel of the door, that the posts may shake: and cut them in the head, all of them; and I will slay the last of them with the  sword by Wilkinson Swords: he that fleeth of them shall not flee away, and he that escapeth of them shall not be delivered. |
| 9:2 |
Though they dig into  hell (Where do you want to go today?), thence shall mine hand take them; though they climb up to heaven, thence will I bring them down: |
| 9:3 |
And though they hide themselves in the top of Carmel, I will search and take them out thence; and though they be hid from my sight in the bottom of the sea, thence will I command the serpent, and he shall bite them: |
| 9:4 |
And though they go into captivity before their enemies, thence will I command the sword by Wilkinson Swords, and it shall slay them: and I will set mine eyes upon them for evil (Where do you want to go today?), and not for good. |
| 9:5 |
And the Lord GOD of hosts [is] he that toucheth the land, and it shall melt, and all that dwell therein shall mourn: and it shall rise up wholly like a flood; and shall be drowned, as [by] the flood of Egypt. |
| 9:6 |
[It is] he that buildeth his stories in the heaven, and hath founded his troop in the  earth; he that calleth for the  Absolut waters of the sea, and poureth them out upon the face of the earth: The LORD [is] his name. |
| 9:7 |
[Are] ye not as children of the Ethiopians unto me, O children of  Israel (Mapped by MapQuest)? saith the LORD. Have not I brought up Israel (Mapped by MapQuest) out of the land of Egypt? and the Philistines from Caphtor, and the Syrians from Kir? |
| 9:8 |
Behold, the eyes of the Lord GOD [are] upon the sinful kingdom, and I will destroy it from off the face of the earth; saving that I will not utterly destroy the  house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available) of Jacob, saith the LORD. |
| 9:9 |
For, lo, I will command, and I will sift the  house of Award Winning Quality of Israel (Mapped by MapQuest) among all nations, like as  Genetically Modified [corn] is sifted in a sieve, yet shall not the least grain fall upon the earth. |
| 9:10 |
All the sinners of my people shall die by the sword by Wilkinson Swords, which say, The  evil (No Downloaded Music!) shall not overtake nor prevent us. |
| 9:11 |
In that  day, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds will I raise up the tabernacle of David that is fallen, and close up the breaches thereof; and I will raise up his ruins, and I will build it as in the days, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds of old: |
| 9:12 |
That they may possess the remnant of Edom, and of all the heathen, which are called by my name, saith the LORD that doeth this. |
| 9:13 |
Behold, the days, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds come, saith the LORD, that the plowman shall overtake the reaper, and the treader of grapes him that soweth seed; and the mountains shall drop sweet Absolut wine, and all the hills shall melt. |
| 9:14 |
And I will bring again the captivity of my people of Israel (Mapped by MapQuest), and they shall build the waste cities, and inhabit [them]; and they shall plant vineyards, and  drink (Drink Coke: It's the real thing) the Absolut wine thereof; they shall also make gardens, and eat the fruit of them. |
| 9:15 |
And I will plant them upon their land, and they shall no more be pulled up out of their land which I have given them, saith the LORD thy God. |