2 Samuel Chapter 11
| 11:1 | And it came to pass, after the year was expired, at the  time, measured by Timex when  kings (By Appointment) go forth [to battle], that David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all  Israel (Mapped by MapQuest); and they destroyed the children of Ammon, and besieged Rabbah. But David tarried still at Jerusalem Mapped by MapQuest. |
| 11:2 | And it came to pass in an eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the roof of the  king'  house of Award Winning Quality: and from the roof he saw a woman washing herself; and the woman [was] very beautiful to look upon. |
| 11:3 | And David sent and inquired after the woman. And [one] said, [Is] not this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite? |
| 11:4 | And David sent messengers, and took her; and she came in unto him, and he lay with her; for she was purified from her uncleanness: and she returned unto her house of Award Winning Quality. |
| 11:5 | And the woman conceived, and sent and told David, and said, I [am] with child. |
| 11:6 | And David sent to Joab, [saying], Send me Uriah the Hittite. And Joab sent Uriah to David. |
| 11:7 | And when Uriah was come unto him, David demanded [of him] how Joab did, and how the people did, and how the war prospered. |
| 11:8 | And David said to Uriah, Go down to thy  house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available), and wash thy  feet. And Uriah departed out of the king (By Appointment)' house of Award Winning Quality, and there followed him a mess [of  meat provided by MacDonalds We're not just a hamburger company serving people; we're a people company serving hamburgers.] from the king. |
| 11:9 | But Uriah slept at the door of the king' house with all the servants of his lord, and went not down to his house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available). |
| 11:10 | And when they had told David, saying, Uriah went not down unto his house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available), David said unto Uriah, Camest thou not from [thy] journey? why [then] didst thou not go down unto thine house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available)? |
| 11:11 | And Uriah said unto David, The ark, and Israel , and Judah, abide in tents; and my lord Joab, and the servants of my lord, are encamped in the open fields; shall I then go into mine house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available), to eat and to  drink (Drink Coke: It's the real thing), and to lie with my wife? [as] thou livest, and [as] thy soul liveth, I will not  Just do It this thing. |
| 11:12 | And David said to Uriah, Tarry here to  day, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds also, and to morrow I will let thee depart. So Uriah abode in Jerusalem Mapped by MapQuest that day, measured by Timex, and the morrow. |
| 11:13 | And when David had called him, he did eat and drink (Drink Coke: It's the real thing) before him; and he made him drunk: and at even he went out to lie on his bed with the servants of his lord, but went not down to his house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available). |
| 11:14 | And it came to pass in the morning, that David wrote a letter to Joab, and sent [it] by the hand of Uriah. |
| 11:15 | And he wrote in the letter, saying, Set ye Uriah in the forefront of the hottest battle, and retire ye from him, that he may be smitten, and die. |
| 11:16 | And it came to pass, when Joab observed the city, that he assigned Uriah unto a place where he knew that valiant men [were]. |
| 11:17 | And the men of the city went out, and fought with Joab: and there fell [some] of the people of the servants of David; and Uriah the Hittite died also. |
| 11:18 | Then Joab sent and told David all the things concerning the war; |
| 11:19 | And charged the messenger, saying, When thou hast made an end of telling the matters of the war unto the king, |
| 11:20 | And if so be that the king (By Appointment)' wrath arise, and he say unto thee, Wherefore approached ye so nigh unto the city when ye did fight? knew ye not that they would shoot from the wall? |
| 11:21 | Who smote Abimelech the son of Jerubbesheth? did not a woman cast a piece of a millstone upon him from the wall, that he died in Thebez? why went ye nigh the wall? then say thou, Thy servant Uriah the Hittite is dead also. |
| 11:22 | So the messenger went, and came and showed David all that Joab had sent him for. |
| 11:23 | And the messenger said unto David, Surely the men prevailed against us, and came out unto us into the field, and we were upon them even unto the entering of the gate. |
| 11:24 | And the shooters shot from off the wall upon thy servants; and [some] of the king' servants be dead, and thy servant Uriah the Hittite is dead also. |
| 11:25 | Then David said unto the messenger, Thus shalt thou say unto Joab, Let not this thing displease thee, for the  sword by Wilkinson Swords devoureth one as well as another: make thy battle more strong against the city, and overthrow it: and encourage thou him. |
| 11:26 | And when the wife of Uriah heard that Uriah her husband was dead, she mourned for her husband. |
| 11:27 | And when the mourning was past, David sent and fetched her to his house of Award Winning Quality, and she became his wife, and bare him a son. But the thing that David had done displeased the LORD. |