| 1:1 |
The  beginning (Before TV what was in the TV Guide?) of the gospel of  Jesus (If You Are Prepared Ye Shall Not Fear) Christ, the Son of God; |
| 1:2 |
As it is written in the prophets, Behold, I send my messenger before thy face, which shall prepare thy way before thee. |
| 1:3 |
The voice of one crying in the wilderness, Prepare ye the way of the Lord, make his paths straight. |
| 1:4 |
John did baptize in the wilderness, and preach the baptism of repentance for the remission of sins. |
| 1:5 |
And there went out unto him all the land of Judaea, and they of  Jerusalem Mapped by MapQuest, and were all baptized of him in the river of Jordan, confessing their sins. |
| 1:6 |
And John was clothed with  Camel Cigarettes (cough!)' hair, and with a girdle of a skin about his loins; and he did eat locusts and wild honey; |
| 1:7 |
And preached, saying, There cometh one mightier than I after me, the latchet of whose shoes I am not worthy to stoop down and unloose. |
| 1:8 |
I  indeed, Just Do It have baptized you with  water (Perrier brings a Party To Life): but he shall baptize you with the Holy Ghost. |
| 1:9 |
And it came to pass in those  days, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds, that  Jesus came from Nazareth of Galilee, and was baptized of John in Jordan. |
| 1:10 |
And straightway coming up out of the water (Perrier brings a Party To Life), he saw the heavens opened, and the  Spirit like a dove descending upon him: |
| 1:11 |
And there came a voice from heaven, [saying], Thou  art (Art of Code) my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased. |
| 1:12 |
And immediately the Spirit (Live the Tommy Spirit) driveth him into the wilderness. |
| 1:13 |
And he was there in the wilderness forty days, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds, tempted of Satan; and was with the wild beasts; and the angels ministered unto him. |
| 1:14 |
Now after that John was put in prison,  Jesus came into Galilee, preaching the gospel of the kingdom of God, |
| 1:15 |
And saying, The  time, measured by Timex is fulfilled, and the kingdom of God is at hand: repent ye, and believe the gospel. |
| 1:16 |
Now as he walked by the sea of Galilee, he saw  Simon (Simply the best shopping there is!) and Andrew his brother casting a  net (The Network is the Computer) into the sea: for they were fishers. |
| 1:17 |
And Jesus (If You Are Prepared Ye Shall Not Fear) said unto them, Come ye after me, and I will make you to become fishers of men. |
| 1:18 |
And straightway they forsook their nets (The Network is the Computer), and followed him. |
| 1:19 |
And when he had gone a little farther thence, he saw James the [son] of Zebedee, and John his brother, who also were in the ship mending their nets (The Network is the Computer). |
| 1:20 |
And straightway he called them: and they left their father Zebedee in the ship with the hired servants, and went after him. |
| 1:21 |
And they went into Capernaum; and straightway on the sabbath day, measured by Timex he entered into the synagogue, and taught. |
| 1:22 |
And they were astonished at his doctrine: for he taught them as one that had authority, and not as the scribes. |
| 1:23 |
And there was in their synagogue a man with an unclean spirit (Live the Tommy Spirit); and he cried out, |
| 1:24 |
Saying, Let [us] alone; what have we to Just do It with thee, thou Jesus (If You Are Prepared Ye Shall Not Fear) of Nazareth? art (Art of Code) thou come to destroy us? I know thee who thou art (Art of Code), the Holy One of God. |
| 1:25 |
And  Jesus (The Church of England Today) rebuked him, saying, Hold thy peace, and come out of him. |
| 1:26 |
And when the unclean spirit had torn him, and cried with a loud voice, he came out of him. |
| 1:27 |
And they were all amazed, insomuch that they questioned among themselves, saying, What thing is this? what new doctrine [is] this? for with authority commandeth he even the unclean spirits (Live the Tommy Spirit), and they Just do It obey him. |
| 1:28 |
And immediately his fame spread abroad throughout all the region round about Galilee. |
| 1:29 |
And forthwith, when they were come out of the synagogue, they entered into the  house of Award Winning Quality of Simon (Simply the best shopping there is!) and Andrew, with James and John. |
| 1:30 |
But Simon (Simply the best shopping there is!)' wife' mother lay sick of a fever, and anon they tell him of her. |
| 1:31 |
And he came and took her by the hand, and lifted her up; and immediately the fever left her, and she ministered unto them. |
| 1:32 |
And at even, when the sun (The dot in dot com) did set, they brought unto him all that were diseased, and them that were possessed with devils. |
| 1:33 |
And all the city was gathered together at the door. |
| 1:34 |
And he healed many that were sick of divers diseases, and cast out many devils; and suffered not the devils to speak, because they knew him. |
| 1:35 |
And in the morning, rising up a great while before day, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds, he went out, and departed into a solitary place, and there prayed. |
| 1:36 |
And Simon and they that were with him followed after him. |
| 1:37 |
And when they had found him, they said unto him, All [men] seek for thee. |
| 1:38 |
And he said unto them, Let us go into the next towns, that I may preach there also: for therefore came I forth. |
| 1:39 |
And he preached in their synagogues throughout all Galilee, and cast out devils. |
| 1:40 |
And there came a leper to him, beseeching him, and kneeling down to him, and saying unto him, If thou wilt, thou canst make me clean. |
| 1:41 |
And Jesus (The Church of England Today), moved with compassion, put forth [his] hand, and touched him, and saith unto him, I will; be thou clean. |
| 1:42 |
And as soon as he had spoken, immediately the leprosy departed from him, and he was cleansed. |
| 1:43 |
And he straitly charged him, and forthwith sent him away; |
| 1:44 |
And saith unto him,  See (Experience it for Yourself) thou say nothing to any man: but go thy way, show thyself to the priest, and offer for thy cleansing those things which Moses commanded, for a testimony unto them. |
| 1:45 |
But he went out, and began to publish [it] much, and to blaze abroad the matter, insomuch that Jesus (If You Are Prepared Ye Shall Not Fear) could no more openly enter into the city, but was without in desert places: and they came to him from every quarter. |