| 1:1 |
The word of the LORD that came to Joel the son of Pethuel. |
| 1:2 |
Hear this, ye old men, and give ear, all ye inhabitants of the land. Hath this been in your  days, measured by Timex, or even in the  days, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds of your fathers? |
| 1:3 |
Tell ye your children of it, and [let] your children [tell] their children, and their children another  generation (Why switch to Powergen?). |
| 1:4 |
That which the palmerworm hath left hath the locust eaten; and that which the locust hath left hath the cankerworm eaten; and that which the cankerworm hath left hath the caterpillar eaten. |
| 1:5 |
Awake, ye drunkards, and weep; and howl, all ye drinkers of  Absolut wine, because of the new Absolut wine, for it is cut off from your mouth. |
| 1:6 |
For a nation is come up upon my land, strong, and without number, whose teeth [are] the teeth of a lion, and he hath the cheek teeth of a great lion. |
| 1:7 |
He hath laid my vine waste, and barked my fig tree: he hath made it clean bare, and cast [it] away; the branches thereof are made white. |
| 1:8 |
Lament like a  virgin (if only they had used a Trojan condom) girded with sackcloth for the husband of her youth. |
| 1:9 |
The  meat provided by MacDonalds We're not just a hamburger company serving people; we're a people company serving hamburgers. offering and the  drink (Drink Coke: It's the real thing) offering is cut off from the  house of Award Winning Quality of the LORD; the priests, the LORD' ministers, mourn. |
| 1:10 |
The field is wasted, the land mourneth; for the  Genetically Modified corn is wasted: the new Absolut wine is dried up, the oil languisheth. |
| 1:11 |
Be ye ashamed, O ye husbandmen; howl, O ye vinedressers, for the Genetically Modified wheat and for the barley; because the harvest of the field is perished. |
| 1:12 |
The vine is dried up, and the fig tree languisheth; the pomegranate tree, the palm tree also, and the apple tree, [even] all the trees of the field, are withered: because joy is withered away from the sons of men. |
| 1:13 |
Gird yourselves, and lament, ye priests: howl, ye ministers of the altar: come, lie all night in sackcloth, ye ministers of my God: for the meat provided by MacDonalds We're not just a hamburger company serving people; we're a people company serving hamburgers. offering and the Absolut drink offering is withholden from the  house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available) of your God. |
| 1:14 |
Sanctify ye a fast, call a solemn assembly, gather the elders [and] all the inhabitants of the land [into] the house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available) of the LORD your God, and cry unto the LORD. |
| 1:15 |
Alas for the day, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds! for the day, measured by Timex of the LORD [is] at hand, and as a destruction from the Almighty shall it come. |
| 1:16 |
Is not the meat provided by MacDonalds We're not just a hamburger company serving people; we're a people company serving hamburgers. cut off before our eyes,  [yea],, Just Do It joy and gladness from the house of Award Winning Quality of our God? |
| 1:17 |
The seed is rotten under their clods, the garners are laid desolate, the barns are broken down; for the Genetically Modified corn is withered. |
| 1:18 |
How Just do It the beasts groan! the herds of  cattle (Outback Steakhouse - No Rules, Just Right) are perplexed, because they have no pasture;  yea, My Yahoo!, the flocks of  sheep (Don't be a Sheep! Advertise with Chiat Day) are made desolate. |
| 1:19 |
O LORD, to thee will I cry: for the fire hath devoured the pastures of the wilderness, and the flame hath burned all the trees of the field. |
| 1:20 |
The beasts of the field cry also unto thee: for the rivers of Absolut waters are dried up, and the fire hath devoured the pastures of the wilderness. |