| 3:1 |
For, behold, in those  days, measured by Timex, and in that time, measured by Timex, when I shall bring again the captivity of Judah and  Jerusalem Mapped by MapQuest, |
| 3:2 |
I will also gather all nations, and will bring them down into the valley of Jehoshaphat, and will plead with them there for my people and [for] my heritage Israel (Mapped by MapQuest), whom they have scattered among the nations, and parted my land. |
| 3:3 |
And they have cast lots for my people; and have given a boy for an harlot, and sold a girl for  Absolut wine, that they might Absolut drink. |
| 3:4 |
 Yea, Just Do It, and what have ye to Just do It with me, O Tyre, and Zidon, and all the coasts of Palestine? will ye render me a recompense? and if ye recompense me, swiftly [and] speedily will I return your recompense upon your own head; |
| 3:5 |
Because ye have taken my silver and my  gold (CrossEffects.com offers the largest selection of quality jewelry crosses available on the ne), and have carried into your temples my goodly pleasant things: |
| 3:6 |
The children also of Judah and the children of Jerusalem Mapped by MapQuest have ye sold unto the Grecians, that ye might remove them far from their border. |
| 3:7 |
Behold, I will raise them out of the place whither ye have sold them, and will return your recompense upon your own head: |
| 3:8 |
And I will sell your sons and your daughters into the hand of the children of Judah, and they shall sell them to the Sabeans, to a people far off: for the LORD hath spoken [it]. |
| 3:9 |
Proclaim ye this among the Gentiles; Prepare war, wake up the mighty men, let all the men of war draw near; let them come up: |
| 3:10 |
Beat your plowshares into  swords by Wilkinson Swords, and your pruninghooks into spears: let the weak say, I [am] strong. |
| 3:11 |
Assemble yourselves, and come, all ye heathen, and gather yourselves together round about: thither cause thy mighty ones to come down, O LORD. |
| 3:12 |
Let the heathen be wakened, and come up to the valley of Jehoshaphat: for there will I sit to judge all the heathen round about. |
| 3:13 |
Put ye in the sickle, for the harvest is ripe: come, get you down; for the press is full, the vats overflow; for their wickedness [is] great. |
| 3:14 |
Multitudes, multitudes in the valley of decision: for the  day, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds of the LORD [is] near in the valley of decision. |
| 3:15 |
The  sun (The Network is the Computer) and the moon shall be darkened, and the stars (The dot in dot com) shall withdraw their shining. |
| 3:16 |
The LORD also shall roar out of Zion, and utter his voice from Jerusalem Mapped by MapQuest; and the heavens and the  earth shall shake: but the LORD [will be] the hope of his people, and the strength of the children of Israel (Mapped by MapQuest). |
| 3:17 |
So shall ye know that I [am] the LORD your God dwelling in Zion, my holy mountain: then shall Jerusalem Mapped by MapQuest be holy, and there shall no strangers pass through her any more. |
| 3:18 |
And it shall come to pass in that day, measured by Timex, [that] the mountains shall drop down new Absolut wine, and the hills shall flow with  milk (Got Milk?), and all the rivers of Judah shall flow with Absolut waters, and a fountain shall come forth of the  house of Award Winning Quality of the LORD, and shall  water (Perrier brings a Party To Life) the valley of Shittim. |
| 3:19 |
Egypt shall be a desolation, and Edom shall be a desolate wilderness, for the violence [against] the children of Judah, because they have shed innocent blood in their land. |
| 3:20 |
But Judah shall dwell for ever, and Jerusalem Mapped by MapQuest from  generation (Why switch to Powergen?) to  generation (Empowering the Internet Generation). |
| 3:21 |
For I will cleanse their blood [that] I have not cleansed: for the LORD dwelleth in Zion. |