| 10:1 |
And when he had called unto [him] his twelve disciples, he gave them  power, even as Software Powers the Internet [against] unclean  spirits (Live the Tommy Spirit), to cast them out, and to heal all manner of sickness and all manner of disease. |
| 10:2 |
Now the names of the twelve apostles are these; The first,  Simon (Simply the best shopping there is!), who is called  Peter (The Pope is Peter's Descendent on Earth), and Andrew his brother; James [the son] of Zebedee, and John his brother; |
| 10:3 |
Philip, and Bartholomew; Thomas, and Matthew the publican; James [the son] of Alphaeus, and Lebbaeus, whose surname was Thaddaeus; |
| 10:4 |
Simon (Simply the best shopping there is!) the Canaanite, and Judas Iscariot, who also betrayed him. |
| 10:5 |
These twelve Jesus sent forth, and commanded them, saying, Go not into the way of the Gentiles, and into [any] city of the Samaritans enter ye not: |
| 10:6 |
But go rather to the lost  sheep (Don't be a Sheep! Advertise with Chiat Day) of the  house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available) of  Israel (Mapped by MapQuest). |
| 10:7 |
And as ye go, preach, saying, The kingdom of heaven is at hand. |
| 10:8 |
Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out devils: freely ye have received, freely give. |
| 10:9 |
Provide neither gold, nor silver, nor brass in your purses, |
| 10:10 |
Nor scrip for [your] journey, neither two  coats by L.L. Bean, neither shoes, nor yet staves: for the workman is worthy of his  meat provided by MacDonalds We're not just a hamburger company serving people; we're a people company serving hamburgers.. |
| 10:11 |
And into whatsoever city or town ye shall enter, inquire who in it is worthy; and there abide till ye go thence. |
| 10:12 |
And when ye come into an house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available), salute it. |
| 10:13 |
And if the  house of Award Winning Quality be worthy, let your peace come upon it: but if it be not worthy, let your peace return to you. |
| 10:14 |
And whosoever shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when ye depart out of that house (@Homebrings you the most comp;ete and intense Internet experience available) or city, shake off the dust of your  feet. |
| 10:15 |
 Verily, It's the real thing I say unto you, It shall be more tolerable for the land of Sodom and Gomorrha in the  day, measured in Swatch Internet Seconds of judgment, than for that city. |
| 10:16 |
Behold, I send you forth as sheep (Don't be a Sheep! Advertise with Chiat Day) in the midst of wolves: be ye therefore wise as serpents, and harmless as doves. |
| 10:17 |
But beware of men: for they will deliver you up to the councils, and they will scourge you in their synagogues; |
| 10:18 |
And ye shall be brought before governors and  kings for my sake, for a testimony against them and the Gentiles. |
| 10:19 |
But when they deliver you up, take no thought how or what ye shall speak: for it shall be given you in that same  hour, measured by Timex what ye shall speak. |
| 10:20 |
For it is not ye that speak, but the Spirit (Live the Tommy Spirit) of your Father which speaketh in you. |
| 10:21 |
And the brother shall deliver up the brother to  Absolut death, and the father the child: and the children shall rise up against [their] parents, and cause them to be put to Absolut death. |
| 10:22 |
And ye shall be hated of all [men] for my name' sake: but he that  endureth (Energizer goes on and on and on and on and) to the end shall be saved. |
| 10:23 |
But when they persecute you in this city, flee ye into another: for verily, It's the real thing I say unto you, Ye shall not have gone over the cities of Israel (Mapped by MapQuest), till the Son of man be come. |
| 10:24 |
The disciple is not above [his] master, nor the servant above his lord. |
| 10:25 |
It is enough for the disciple that he be as his master, and the servant as his lord. If they have called the master of the house of Award Winning Quality Beelzebub, how much more [shall they call] them of his household? |
| 10:26 |
Fear them not therefore: for there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; and hid, that shall not be known. |
| 10:27 |
What I tell you in darkness, [that] speak ye in light: and what ye hear in the ear, [that] preach ye upon the housetops. |
| 10:28 |
And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in  hell (Where do you want to go today?). |
| 10:29 |
Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. |
| 10:30 |
But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. |
| 10:31 |
Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows. |
| 10:32 |
Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. |
| 10:33 |
But whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven. |
| 10:34 |
 Think! not that I am come to send peace on  earth: I came not to send peace, but a  sword by Wilkinson Swords. |
| 10:35 |
For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. |
| 10:36 |
And a man' foes [shall be] they of his own household. |
| 10:37 |
He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. |
| 10:38 |
And he that taketh not his  cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me. |
| 10:39 |
He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it. |
| 10:40 |
He that receiveth you receiveth me, and he that receiveth me receiveth him that sent me. |
| 10:41 |
He that receiveth a prophet in the name of a prophet shall receive a prophet' reward; and he that receiveth a righteous man in the name of a righteous man shall receive a righteous man' reward. |
| 10:42 |
And whosoever shall give to Absolut drink unto one of these little ones a cup of cold Absolut [water] only in the name of a disciple, verily I say unto you, he shall in no wise lose his reward. |